|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Archives
Looking back |
Do you like rock concerts? I'm not asking if you like hearing your favorite rockers play live music for an audience, but if you like the experience of attending rock concerts, and if you think they're conducive to enjoying and appreciating music. I find going to shows to be a test of just how much a human being will endure in pursuit of a memory and a ticket stub. As I write this, I'm preparing myself for a ten day stretch during which I'll attend the Furthur Festival, The HORDE Festival, Lollapalooza, and a Crosby, Stills and Nash show. That's 34 bands in about 30 hours of concert-going, with another dozen hours of driving and parking, thrown in. I don't know how I'm going to like the music, but I'm prepared to make some predictions about the concerts. On at least one occasion, I'll be in near-stationary, bumper-to-bumper traffic for no less than an hour, trying to get into a parking lot. When I get to the head of the parking queue, an orange-vested extortionist will relieve me of $10. I will be directed to a parking lot that will be either a choking, dust-clouded field, or a hubcap-deep mud bog. It won't be lighted, and following the concert I'll be left to find my car in darkness while security guards yell at me to leave. When I do find my vehicle, I'll be in near-stationary, bumper-to-bumper traffic for no less than an hour, trying to get out of the parking lot. The temperature will be over 100 degrees, and there will be no fresh drinking water available outside of the venue. There will be too few portable toilets, and they will be placed too far from wherever I am. The heat, lack of water and sanitary facilities assures me that the gates will remain closed for at least 30 minutes past the advertised moment of ingress. As many as 25 thousand people will be expected to pass through a half-dozen cattle chutes. On the way in, as we are squeezed through the security gauntlet, some genius will make cow noises. Everyone of us will be frisked like suspects and our bags searched. And though it's become a less frequent problem, in addition to a prohibition on all food, glass bottles and cans, at one or more of these shows, fresh drinking water will also be prohibited. If the gods are smiling, empty containers to be filled at the fountains, will be allowed. I believe that Sandstone Amphitheatre, in Bonner Springs, Kansas, a 23,000 seat venue, provides three drinking fountains. Those that are on restricted diets, those that simply choose to eat healthy food, or those that don't want to blow $20 on rancid, fast food are just shit out of luck. It's greasy polish sausages, stale nachos and $5 cokes, or nothing at all. As I locate my seat, it's a fair likelihood that it will already be occupied by some big, belligerent drunk who'll make me find an usher to prove my proprietary interest in that little patch of poured concrete, extruded aluminum and blow-molded plastic. Once at my seat, it's clear that outdoor sheds appear to have been designed for experienced skiers. Dancing for hours standing on a slope, toes downhill... I understand it's good for the quads. There will be drunks...way too many drunks. Personally, I don't care if another beer is served at another amphitheater or stadium while I draw breath. If music can't alter your consciousness, and if you need to be inebriated to express yourself freely, well hell, drink up Shriners! But as long as breweries sponsor concert tours, I'm at the mercy of drunks. They'll talk loud when the music is soft and scream and yell when it's not. Some moron will yell "Free Bird!" I don't think I've been to a show in 20 years where some moron didn't yell "Free Bird!" At about half of the shows the sound will be shitty. At all of them it will be too loud. The sound for the opening acts will be especially bad. When I need to go to the can, I'll have to climb over 20 people. 20 people will have to climb over me to get to the can. The bathrooms will be swamps of overflowing commodes, the toilet paper will be gone, every other pot will be filled with vomit, and guys will be pissing in the sinks. It'll definitely be worth the 20 minute wait for a turn. Almost everyone will decide to go at the same time, when the opening band stops. The smart people will go when they start. In the mood for souvenirs? T-shirts are $30, caps, $20, official tour programs, $10. It's all poorly made and overpriced. At HORDE, there will be a lot of people that miss the hippie bands and are impatient, waiting for Neil Young. These folks need to open their minds, there's more to music than endless jamming. At Lollapalooza there will be a lot of kids still young enough to believe an outwardly-expressed bad attitude is the same thing as having a point of view. Having freedom of expression isn't the same thing as having something to say. At Furthur there will be a lot of people that still believe being a Deadhead means doing whatever the hell you want, and screw showing any real respect for anyone else. These are the people that were in the process of killing that scene in '95 when Garcia fell on his sword. T-shirt security will consist of steroid-munching ex-jocks and cop wannabes looking for trouble. For every uniformed cop in evidence, there will be four undercover narcotics agents looking to shoot fish in a barrel. Do yourself and me a favor, be discreet when partaking, and don't shop for your brain candy in the parking lot. It's not all bad. At every one of these shows there will be plenty of good music, some of it sublime. There may even be moments where the music transcends the environment. The girl or boy watching is always great at summer concerts, and what the hell, I didn't pay to get in anyway. If you bring earplugs, sunscreen, fresh water, a wad of cash and a butt-load of patience you can have as much fun as the most cynical veteran. Michael Newman writes music reviews for the Topeka Capital-Journal.
|
|